I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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