I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
