Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
