you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
