Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think people are normalizing furries
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
