I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
