he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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