Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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