There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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