i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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