Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
