i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
