can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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