Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Walk of Shame today included voting.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
