I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
