I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
