The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
