apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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