apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
