Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
