I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
