Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
