so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
