she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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