I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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