the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
