All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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