His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
