my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Who died my cat blue again?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
