He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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