I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
