Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
