Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
