I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize