I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
