I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
