apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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