it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
