Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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