I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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