I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
