your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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