So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
