Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
