next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize