I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
