she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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