i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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