Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
