GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
