Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
