how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
