I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
