Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
