Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize