I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was born a porn star she said
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
