my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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