We're like a lot better than the average bears
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
