I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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