ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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