Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
