my vag is so smooth its legendary
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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