I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize